Lights
by Irrwisch
Summary: You're Dean and you get a new route for Christmas, Jody's usual routine. She seems very worried, and you're not sure why. She talks about some "Lights" and you wonder what she means. You got your own problems to deal with, with Christmas coming up, and you don't care about some stupid Lights. That is, until you do.


A/N: 'tis my first time writing Second-Person and I have to admit, it was rather fun. I highly advise listening to music while reading (don't have something specific in mind, though(I listened to "Let the Flames begin", the Nightcore version, but well, I just wanted to very much))

This is not really a Christmas Story. A little, maybe, but it's not fluff. Oh, and yes: Do tell me, friends, I did not origanally mean to end it there and the way I did. You'd be up for more? 'cause I could totally do that.

Anyway, hope you enjoy the Lights as much as Dean and Cas (:

Further: I'll upload this in Ao3 too, later. (Under the same pen-name and probably the same title, too.) Does ff not like my wonderfully "~"?

* * *

Jody is worried.

You can tell, because she keeps pacing around the office – the roster is about to be posted, and she has been very worried about that. She wouldn't tell you why and you are not sure just _why_ she is so worried. For the past seven years, Jody has always gone the same route on Christmas, so why would it be different?

Her pacing makes everyone nervous, and Garth had tried to calm her down. She had yelled at him and did not apologise until now. She has probably forgotten, you think. Bess brought Garth some coffee and he seems to be fine.

Not that that makes the Jody-situation any better.

The roster is rather late this time.

Jody keeps pacing.

After two hours, you go over to her, bringing her more coffee. You like Jody. She is like a mother to you. She chews on her fingernail and you try to make her stop. She doesn't have any of that, though. She takes the coffee and she worries about the Light. You frown, but she doesn't explain. In fact, you doubt she even realises you are standing next to her.

For Jody's sake, you go ask Bobby about the roster. He waves you off; he's been busy. You say that Jody is upsetting everyone in the office and he just scoffs. You don't tell Jody this; she is nervous enough as it is. You just hope the roster comes at some point today.

When you come back to your desk, you can hear the weather forecast.

Christmas is going to be very cold, they say, with expected snow around actual Christmas time.

That is nice; you think and remember white Christmas from your childhood with your family. But Jody cries and you don't understand and she doesn't speak to you.

Jody hasn't been doing any work today. Instead, she sits at her desk and drinks coffee after coffee and you are getting concerned. Thirty minutes before clock-out, she comes to you. She looks completely drained and you fear her breaking down. She is worried about the Christmas Lights, she says, and you are confused. You shake your head and tell her your Christmas decorations are fine. They replaced them only five years ago, and she shakes her head. Not these, she says, the Christmas Lights. She turns around and looks outside the windows. It's dark out; and it rains. You can see her shoulders shaking and you know she doesn't cry.

Benny comes over and he says the roster won't be posted before tomorrow and you can see Jody deflating. She doesn't say a word; and she takes her jacket and leaves. She doesn't say good-bye, and you know better than to run after her. Still, you worry. You will call Sam later and ask him. Maybe he knows if everything's alright.

It's going to snow, and you think, with snow, you could remember a good Christmas.

You call Sam when you reach your home. He doesn't know anything. Even Jess is clueless. Maybe something happened, they say, and she doesn't want everyone to know. But you're not everyone, you think. She would've told you. She would've told Bobby. You tell them good-bye and you promise to come by at Christmas.

They know you won't. But it's a nice promise.

It started snowing in the night, so you run a little late. You hope Bobby kept his promise and the roster is already posted. You're not sure if the office is able to endure another day of Jody pacing restlessly.

When you arrive, all seems to be alright. Jody is not pacing, but perhaps she is not even in yet. You clock in, and walk to your desk. You find Jody sitting in your chair, looking up when you arrive. Be nice, she orders you, it is very cold outside. You are irritated, but she doesn't say anything else and leaves.

You dismiss it and decide that it is at least better than the pacing.

Benny comes to you and tells you the roster is posted; you are going Jody's route this time. He says Jody came in very early and that she shouted at Bobby. You're glad you missed that. They're both stubborn and a screaming match between them is never pretty.

Bobby won this time, apparently. You feel sorry for Jody and you go ask Bobby if you and Jody could switch. Bobby says no and there's that. Garth and Bess put up the Christmas decorations and you notice Jody can't look at the lights. You wonder if there's something bad on her old route. You go ask her, and she only speaks of the Lights and that you have to be nice.

You're always nice. You try to, at least. She knows that. Jody dismisses you and you leave her alone. You look over to Bess and Garth and wonder what's so special about the lights. Maybe someone sells them on the streets and he's a friend of Jody?

You don't really care. You haven't celebrated Christmas in years. It won't be different this time.

You go on patrol.

You deduce it's a quiet one. You see a few homeless people in the alleyways, but you don't pay them any mind. Maybe they aren't even homeless. They were probably just wasted. You haven't seen anyone selling Christmas lights, so you seriously start to wonder what Jody was on about. Perhaps she meant the lights in the store windows. But they don't look too different from anywhere else. Maybe she's sentimental. She's a woman after all.

It gets dark after a few rounds. You don't like that it gets dark so quickly. It makes you sleepy. There's too much artificial light and your eyes get irritated. You like summer better. You decide to take one last round before heading back. You still got a report to write. And you probably got Jody to deal with. But you can say you were nice. You didn't talk to anybody, but you were nice.

Then you see him. You know he wasn't there before, because you've been here. He's homeless, you can see that. It's not allowed to beg here. You sigh and decide to warn him. Jody wanted you to be nice, so you will. Maybe this guy is new; and he doesn't know. Sam says that you should believe in the good in people. You know that's not true. You've seen enough bad done by people, but maybe Christmas is making you soft. Or maybe you're growing old. You haven't found grey hair yet, so it's not that.

You walk over to him, but he doesn't react. You tell him he can't sit here, begging is forbidden. He replies he is not begging. His voice sounds dry, but you decide not to care. You tell him to leave, but he doesn't reply. You sigh. You ask how old he is and he says he isn't sure. He looks up to you and asks you where his friend is. You frown. The man describes his friend and you realise he must mean Jody. You tell him she has a different route now. He looks sad at hearing that, you think.

He has to go, you say. He doesn't reply and you leave.

You try not to think about the man on the sidewalk.

Jody is already gone when you return. You shrug and go fill your report. Benny invites you out for drinks and you accept. It's been a while. Maybe you could also pick some girl up. You remember it's been months since you spoke to Lisa. You doubt she thinks of you much anymore. That's okay. It was a nasty break-up. Getting out might clear your head. You finish the report and go to clock out.

You don't mention the homeless man in your report.

You're not sure why.

Going out with Benny is nice. It's easy, somehow. You don't really have many friends and Benny is a good colleague. You drink your fourth beer tonight and think that should be enough; you have work tomorrow after all. There is a pretty girl at the bar, and she's been eyeing you for some while. Benny pointed her out and you admit she is nice to look at. You decide to go talk to her. She smiles when you start walking over and you give her your winning smile.

You hit her up and then you go to her house.

She tells you her name, you think, but you don't really care to remember. You won't be seeing her again anyway.

The next morning, you wake up before her. She's still stark naked and for a moment you consider staying until she wakes up, but in the end you decide against it. It would only make you late for work. So you get up and get dressed. You can pick up some food on the way to work. You don't leave her a note.

Some of your co-workers might notice you are wearing the same clothes as yesterday, but nobody comments on it. Benny grins, though, but then again, he was there too. So he doesn't count. You go to the dressing room to change. You see Jody there, just staring at her phone. It's the weather forecast. She looks worried and you're not sure why. She doesn't acknowledge you and you simply change. You've all but forgotten about the homeless man.

You sit at your desk and do some work before patrol. It started raining and you're really not looking forward to it. The cold is bad enough on its own. Rain always causes accidents and you're really not in the mood for it. You sigh and get up to grab your jacket and an umbrella. Garth wishes you a good day as you pass him by and you think how lucky he is, being able to stay inside.

You make your rounds. There are two men fighting on the street and you break them up. One of them is heavily intoxicated, so you're forced to take him back to the station. You tell him he's lucky the other guy is not pressing charges. You doubt the man in the back of your car hears you. Not that you care, anyway. Drunkards remind you of your dad and you generally tend to avoid that.

You lock him up in the Sobriety Cell. Garth promises to fill out the forms, so you can go back on the road. You groan a little, but comply. On your way out, you run into Jody. It's cold, she tells you and you nod. That's true, and it will only be getting colder. You try to remember if you have any warm jackets. You go back outside.

You keep doing rounds, and luckily, nothing major happens anymore.

When you see him, you remember him. The homeless man sits there again and you hadn't realised you'd forgotten until now. Didn't you tell him to go away? He hasn't been here just now. Then you recall, yesterday had been after dark too. You wonder why he only comes out after sundown. Maybe he's embarrassed, but then why come out at all?

Again, you walk up to him, umbrella open over you. The man looks wet, you think. Doesn't he have shelter somewhere? You stand next to him and don't immediately speak to him. Maybe you're waiting for him to acknowledge you, but he doesn't, so you tell him he has to go. He shakes his head timidly, and you only see it because you knew he would. He lifts his head and looks at you and you gaze right next to his face. Somehow you don't want to look at him. You don't know why. He asks again where his friend is and you again answer him. He looks sad, again, and you stand there a while longer. The rain isn't bad, but it is a steady downpour. You think about your car and how comfy your couch and bed will be tonight.

You don't know why, but you give your umbrella to the man. Maybe it's because of Christmas. He smiles a little, and you pretend to not see. You turn around and walk away.

When writing your report at the end of the day, you again don't mention the homeless man on the sidewalk and you don't mention giving your umbrella to him.

You're not sure why.

A few weeks pass. Every day after sundown, you see the man sitting there and every time you tell him to go. The man always has the umbrella you gave him open. The weather has turned for the worse, and you admit it is getting really cold. You often find yourself huffing warm air into your hands. It started snowing a few days ago, and while you can quietly admit it looks rather pretty, you're not the biggest fan of snow during work hours. Way more accidents happening on icy roads than you would like.

You barely see Jody anymore. The man on the sidewalk doesn't ask after her either anymore. To be honest, you have forgotten about the Lights Jody mentioned. Maybe the homeless man would have known, but every time you encounter him, you do something you didn't think you'd do. And yet, you are glad to see him every day. It means he's still alive, and you're not sure why that matters so much to you.

Sam called earlier and talked about Christmas again. You simply hummed in response whenever appropriate, and let him talk. You haven't celebrated Christmas with Sam and Jess in a long time. You don't even really remember why you stopped. Maybe you were stone-face drunk one time and Sam got mad? You suppose you could ask either of them, but since you don't remember – you don't want to. You promised Sam to think about it and you both knew you wouldn't. You don't know why Sam keeps putting up with you.

It's not like you can let him go either.

You stand next to him again. You wonder where he usually stays during the day. Maybe he comes here every day from the Shelter? But he looks miserable, you think, at the Shelter they'd give him a coat at least. And, probably, wouldn't let him out that late anymore anyway.

There's wind picking up and you shudder, even in your thick coat. You wonder if he's cold, but he doesn't move at all. The umbrella you gave him is still open, so at least he isn't covered in snow from head to toe. He still must be miserable. You contemplate sitting on the cold and hard sidewalk everyday in the night. And you wonder; has he ever been arrested? Somehow you never thought about taking him in. He isn't begging, after all, he's just sitting here, so that's okay, right? It's probably the reason you never mention him, not even in private with Bobby or Benny.

 _I'm dying._

It takes a moment to register. You look down and you see the man moved his head a little. He repeats himself quietly. He's dying, he says. The others say he's stupid, he tells you. The Shelter would take him in. They might even organise a stay at the hospital. But they don't understand. He can't go, he says. Why, you ask.

You pretend your voice doesn't sound so scratchy.

The Lights, he says. _I want to see the Lights._

He lifts an arm and points across the street and your eyes follow.

Oh.

Across from you, there's a store window-front. The manager and staff really went overboard with the decorations. There seem to be a thousand sources of lights. They sure are pretty but they don't seem to be worth dying for. But what do you know. You sit down next to him. You're not sure why.

You feel him lean next to you. You think it's more because of the support and not actual comfort. He seems very cold; and yet he doesn't shiver. He tells you he's wanted to die when he was little. He was cold and hungry and alone and he didn't want to anymore. He found the Lights, then. They didn't help him, he was still cold and hungry and alone, but he says he wanted to see the Lights again. He's afraid he can't see the Lights after anymore. So he wants to die here, seeing the Lights as long as he can, because he wants to remember.

It's good to see them with a friend, he says.

He tries to move his hand, and you grab it and hold it tight. What's his name, you ask, suddenly desperate. Castiel, he says. He huffs a little. You tell him your name is Dean. You're not sure why. You just want him to know. He nods against your shoulder. He'll remember, he promises. You're relieved and you don't know why.

Castiel shifts against you and says he's glad you're here.

Nobody wants to die alone, he says. He'll remember you and the Lights and Jody and the umbrella you gave him.

Don't go away, he asks, don't go dark.

You vow you won't and you think that makes him happy. You can't look at him, but you keep hold of his hand. You watch the lights in front of you and you think they shine rather brilliantly. You never noticed them before. When you think of the Christmas lights in the office, they don't look like that. Garth and Bess could learn something from the lights here.

You remember Jody being worried about the Lights.

You think she didn't mean the window-front. They are only normal lights, trying to lure you in so you buy their stuff. You think she meant Castiel. Castiel found the Lights all on his own and now he shows it to people. You wonder why.

He wanted to die when he found the lights. Seven years ago, Jody was in a dark spot and he found her to show her the lights. And now? Maybe you are in a dark spot too. _Don't go dark_ , you think and you think about Sam and Jess and Christmas.

You see the Lights too, you think. And you want to see them again, because they mean everything.


End file.
